they told me "slowly but surely".

slowly but surely i won't feel such pain in my chest.
slowly but surely i won't miss you every single second.
slowly but surely i won't miss those wonderful trips.
slowly but surely i won't recall those conversations we had.
slowly but surely i won't see you hugging me in my dream anymore.
slowly but surely i won't see your ghost everywhere we have been.
slowly but surely i won't look at your photos anymore.
slowly but surely i won't imagine your bike parking in the alley.
slowly but surely i won't imagine you knocking at my door.
slowly but surely i won't recall how you said "oi de".
slowly but surely i won't recall how you told me "ano suki desu".
slowly but surely i won't wonder what you are doing at this time.
slowly but surely i won't miss your dog and wonder if she's doing good.
slowly but surely i won't miss your mom and your aunt.
slowly but surely i won't remember which floor you stay.
slowly but surely i won't remember the view from your window.
slowly but surely i won't remember your scent.
slowly but surely i won't remember the way you snore.
slowly but surely i won't remember how you rolled in my bed.
slowly but surely i won't remember the brand you smoke.
slowly but surely i won't remember your favourites.
slowly but surely i won't remember your number.
slowly but surely i won't be reminded of you when i see anything japanese.
slowly but surely i won't mind those lies you told me.
slowly but surely i won't mind what you promised but didn't really mean it.
slowly but surely i won't mind how cruel & cold the way you left me.
slowly but surely i won't be disappointed with you anymore.
slowly but surely i won't be jealous about you & her.
slowly but surely i won't love you anymore.
slowly but surely i won't hate you either.

because it's heart-breaking, it's tiring,
it's depressing, it's torturing,
it's not the way i used to be.

because this is how nature rules.
just like spring comes after winter.

傻勁 • 堅持 • 愛

當時剛蘇醒的我，迷迷糊糊地，鼻腔裡積滿血塊，口腔滿是血腥。
唇干烈得像兩片旱地，呼吸只靠著干冷的空气經過快破烈的喉嚨。
全神灌注每一呼每一吸，在想著我在干嘛，讓自己經歷這些？
如果當初知道會這樣，我會做嗎？做人真的需要一股傻勁吧。
如果當初知道太多，我也許就不會做了。

好啦，現在每一分每一秒，都好痛好苦。
骨頭，口腔內，舌頭，喉嚨，唇，臉，頭。
藥丸。藥丸。藥丸。藥丸。藥丸。藥丸。
挨餓。無味。挨餓。無味。挨餓。無味。
我能做的只有堅持了。

朋友的關心讓人感動。
家人的愛是無价。
好幸運有他們在。

除了一個。
真是這樣子嗎？

i'd rather you do a short film like this.

not like those written...

i'm going in today! ('u')
everything will be fine i guess, except the pain.
it's been pain. pain. pain. pain. pain...
i hope those pain that i have gone through
will bring me something sweet in return.
got to be patient...

Mom's here.

My mom arrived yesterday. I brought her to a 'date'. At dinner, she enjoyed her first bowl of kyushu ramen, especially that big round piece of char siew (except a lil too salty for her). Then I showed her to Singapore river, we sat by the river, eating ocha+lychee ice-cream while our hair were dancing wild the in wind. We chatted a lot. Mum has been working her whole life away for the family, rarely she has chance to chill like this with me. Since my teen age, we have been apart most of the time. I think the beauty about relationship with family is, the longer/further we are away from our family, the closer we become. I'm so glad she is here with me now. Even though... at least... ('u')

一雙紅鞋走天涯。

是否每個女孩子都想要一雙紅鞋？我小時只穿黑色和白色的皮鞋，如今老大了，反而覺得女人應該有一雙紅鞋傍身，可能是因為我從來沒有勇氣為每片腳指甲塗上鮮紅色，也沒勇氣穿上艷紅色的內衣吧。

很想找的時候沒找到，不去找的時候，這雙紅鞋卻好像為我停下了腳步，羞澀地在那兒向我招手似的。最後一雙，只有我的尺碼，朋友看到想買，已經沒有了。

我想起前兩天為明年一月出版的台版圖文珍藏版第四冊《女人的愛情行李》寫的一篇序，是寫一個失戀的女人打包行李離開。一個人擁有的東西，總是愈來愈多。我們搬進一個新家的時候，也許只是帶著一個箱子，要走的時候，東西卻裝滿了二十個箱子。

捨棄從來不比擁有容易，尤其是要從心愛的東西裡捨棄其中一些，好讓自己輕身上路。

終究有一天，你會明白，我們只是旅人。人生的百轉千迴中，根本一直也佈滿了一個一個車站，機場和渡頭。我們相聚，我們離別，我們是彼此生命中的一個旅人，留下了歡樂或悲傷的足跡，然後各自轉到下一個未知的地方去。

每一場相聚，都是離別的開始。既然我們要去的終站是不一樣的，我們要走的路也不相同，這場相聚，只能在其中一站分手。

捨不得你，但路還是要走下去，前面也許有一片更旖旎的風光。抹乾眼淚，我走我的路，如果你曾是那麼值得愛，我會永遠懷念你，謝謝你陪我走了一程。如果你不值得，我會把你抖落，當作從來沒有認識你，你是我年少無知所犯下的最愚蠢的錯誤。

每一段旅程、每一個過客、每一次心碎，後來都讓我長大。從今以後，脫掉童稚的小花襪子，換上一雙紅鞋，走我絢爛的天涯。

＊jan 19th 2009 by 張小嫻

媽的我這一陣子也太太太感性了吧。可是我知道有一天這麼感性的我有消失的可能。不管了，這是我走過的，沒什麼好隱藏的。

...But the sheep had taught him something even more important: that there was a language in the world that everybody understood, a language the boy had used throughout the time that he was trying to improve things at the shop. It was the language of enthusiasm, of things accomplished with love and purpose, and as part of a search for something believed in and desired. Thangier was no longer a strange city, and he felt that just as he had conquered this place, he could conquer the world....

...He still had some doubt about the decision he had made, But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone make a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision...

..."they are not my sheep anymore," he said to himself, without nostalgia. "They must be used to their new shepherd, and have probably already forgotten me. That's good. Creatures like sheep, that are used to traveling, know about moving on."...

...Never stop dreaming. Follow the omens. When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it...

..."Because I don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. You'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens...Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."...

...The alchemist opened a bottle and poured a red liquid into the boy's cup. It was the most delicious wine he had ever tasted. "Isn't wine prohibited here?" the boy asked. "It's not what enters men's mouths that's evil," said the alchemist. "It's what comes out of their mouth that is."...

..."You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend. If he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love...the love that speaks the Language of the World."...

*from the alchemist, paulo coelho.

some people mean what they say.
i really really appreciate that.
for those who don't mean what they say,
i'll just forget about that.

simple. ('u')

華麗的冒險

長長的路的盡頭是一片滿是星星的夜空•這一趟華麗的冒險沒有真實的你陪我走•長長的時間的旅程充滿太多未知的誘惑•數不清對你承諾過的一切•還有多少沒有實現過•不願放開手•不願讓你走•瘋狂的夢沒有了你•還有什麼用•不願放開手•不願讓你走•不願眼睜睜的看你•走出我的生活

(都不重要了，我還是會繼續走下去。)

lovely friends.

i am so lucky to have such excellent & talented friends like you guys/girls.
i will always remember what you did for me.
i love you all. *muahhhs*

11 more days.

after 11 more days, it will mark a new chapter in my life.
my life project will begin.
i got to keep this vision.
i got to keep my passion.
i got to be patient.
i got to be brave.

i thought i am hopelessly stuck but last night was definitely a special night.
i am glad to have this unusual conversation with them.
they are going to do that and they inspired me an unusual alternative.
what they mentioned has matched my dream.
a simple life.
yes, a simple life out of this superficial world.
yet i will still keep what i am gifted with.
i am kind of excited and scared at the same time now.
of course it will be perfect if i have a partner with the same vision.
anyway, i don't care.
anyway, i don't belong to anywhere.
anyway, wherever i go, i am alone.
anyway, what can be worse?

this vision must be realised. ('u')