slowly but surely i won't feel such pain in my chest.
slowly but surely i won't miss you every single second.
slowly but surely i won't miss those wonderful trips.
slowly but surely i won't recall those conversations we had.
slowly but surely i won't see you hugging me in my dream anymore.
slowly but surely i won't see your ghost everywhere we have been.
slowly but surely i won't look at your photos anymore.
slowly but surely i won't imagine your bike parking in the alley.
slowly but surely i won't imagine you knocking at my door.
slowly but surely i won't recall how you said "oi de".
slowly but surely i won't recall how you told me "ano suki desu".
slowly but surely i won't wonder what you are doing at this time.
slowly but surely i won't miss your dog and wonder if she's doing good.
slowly but surely i won't miss your mom and your aunt.
slowly but surely i won't remember which floor you stay.
slowly but surely i won't remember the view from your window.
slowly but surely i won't remember your scent.
slowly but surely i won't remember the way you snore.
slowly but surely i won't remember how you rolled in my bed.
slowly but surely i won't remember the brand you smoke.
slowly but surely i won't remember your favourites.
slowly but surely i won't remember your number.
slowly but surely i won't be reminded of you when i see anything japanese.
slowly but surely i won't mind those lies you told me.
slowly but surely i won't mind what you promised but didn't really mean it.
slowly but surely i won't mind how cruel & cold the way you left me.
slowly but surely i won't be disappointed with you anymore.
slowly but surely i won't be jealous about you & her.
slowly but surely i won't love you anymore.
slowly but surely i won't hate you either.
because it's heart-breaking, it's tiring,
it's depressing, it's torturing,
it's not the way i used to be.
because this is how nature rules.
just like spring comes after winter.
19.2.09
傻勁 • 堅持 • 愛
當時剛蘇醒的我，迷迷糊糊地，鼻腔裡積滿血塊，口腔滿是血腥。
唇干烈得像兩片旱地，呼吸只靠著干冷的空气經過快破烈的喉嚨。
全神灌注每一呼每一吸，在想著我在干嘛，讓自己經歷這些？
如果當初知道會這樣，我會做嗎？做人真的需要一股傻勁吧。
如果當初知道太多，我也許就不會做了。
好啦，現在每一分每一秒，都好痛好苦。
骨頭，口腔內，舌頭，喉嚨，唇，臉，頭。
藥丸。藥丸。藥丸。藥丸。藥丸。藥丸。
挨餓。無味。挨餓。無味。挨餓。無味。
我能做的只有堅持了。
朋友的關心讓人感動。
家人的愛是無价。
好幸運有他們在。
除了一個。
真是這樣子嗎？
11.2.09
8.2.09
Mom's here.
My mom arrived yesterday. I brought her to a 'date'. At dinner, she enjoyed her first bowl of kyushu ramen, especially that big round piece of char siew (except a lil too salty for her). Then I showed her to Singapore river, we sat by the river, eating ocha+lychee ice-cream while our hair were dancing wild the in wind. We chatted a lot. Mum has been working her whole life away for the family, rarely she has chance to chill like this with me. Since my teen age, we have been apart most of the time. I think the beauty about relationship with family is, the longer/further we are away from our family, the closer we become. I'm so glad she is here with me now. Even though... at least... ('u')
4.2.09
一雙紅鞋走天涯。
是否每個女孩子都想要一雙紅鞋？我小時只穿黑色和白色的皮鞋，如今老大了，反而覺得女人應該有一雙紅鞋傍身，可能是因為我從來沒有勇氣為每片腳指甲塗上鮮紅色，也沒勇氣穿上艷紅色的內衣吧。
很想找的時候沒找到，不去找的時候，這雙紅鞋卻好像為我停下了腳步，羞澀地在那兒向我招手似的。最後一雙，只有我的尺碼，朋友看到想買，已經沒有了。
我想起前兩天為明年一月出版的台版圖文珍藏版第四冊《女人的愛情行李》寫的一篇序，是寫一個失戀的女人打包行李離開。一個人擁有的東西，總是愈來愈多。我們搬進一個新家的時候，也許只是帶著一個箱子，要走的時候，東西卻裝滿了二十個箱子。
捨棄從來不比擁有容易，尤其是要從心愛的東西裡捨棄其中一些，好讓自己輕身上路。
終究有一天，你會明白，我們只是旅人。人生的百轉千迴中，根本一直也佈滿了一個一個車站，機場和渡頭。我們相聚，我們離別，我們是彼此生命中的一個旅人，留下了歡樂或悲傷的足跡，然後各自轉到下一個未知的地方去。
每一場相聚，都是離別的開始。既然我們要去的終站是不一樣的，我們要走的路也不相同，這場相聚，只能在其中一站分手。
捨不得你，但路還是要走下去，前面也許有一片更旖旎的風光。抹乾眼淚，我走我的路，如果你曾是那麼值得愛，我會永遠懷念你，謝謝你陪我走了一程。如果你不值得，我會把你抖落，當作從來沒有認識你，你是我年少無知所犯下的最愚蠢的錯誤。
每一段旅程、每一個過客、每一次心碎，後來都讓我長大。從今以後，脫掉童稚的小花襪子，換上一雙紅鞋，走我絢爛的天涯。
＊jan 19th 2009 by 張小嫻
媽的我這一陣子也太太太感性了吧。可是我知道有一天這麼感性的我有消失的可能。不管了，這是我走過的，沒什麼好隱藏的。
2.2.09
...But the sheep had taught him something even more important: that there was a language in the world that everybody understood, a language the boy had used throughout the time that he was trying to improve things at the shop. It was the language of enthusiasm, of things accomplished with love and purpose, and as part of a search for something believed in and desired. Thangier was no longer a strange city, and he felt that just as he had conquered this place, he could conquer the world....
...He still had some doubt about the decision he had made, But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone make a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision...
..."they are not my sheep anymore," he said to himself, without nostalgia. "They must be used to their new shepherd, and have probably already forgotten me. That's good. Creatures like sheep, that are used to traveling, know about moving on."...
...Never stop dreaming. Follow the omens. When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it...
..."Because I don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. You'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens...Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."...
...The alchemist opened a bottle and poured a red liquid into the boy's cup. It was the most delicious wine he had ever tasted. "Isn't wine prohibited here?" the boy asked. "It's not what enters men's mouths that's evil," said the alchemist. "It's what comes out of their mouth that is."...
..."You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend. If he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love...the love that speaks the Language of the World."...
*from the alchemist, paulo coelho.
...He still had some doubt about the decision he had made, But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone make a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision...
..."they are not my sheep anymore," he said to himself, without nostalgia. "They must be used to their new shepherd, and have probably already forgotten me. That's good. Creatures like sheep, that are used to traveling, know about moving on."...
...Never stop dreaming. Follow the omens. When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it...
..."Because I don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. You'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens...Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."...
...The alchemist opened a bottle and poured a red liquid into the boy's cup. It was the most delicious wine he had ever tasted. "Isn't wine prohibited here?" the boy asked. "It's not what enters men's mouths that's evil," said the alchemist. "It's what comes out of their mouth that is."...
..."You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend. If he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love...the love that speaks the Language of the World."...
*from the alchemist, paulo coelho.
1.2.09
華麗的冒險
長長的路的盡頭是一片滿是星星的夜空•這一趟華麗的冒險沒有真實的你陪我走•長長的時間的旅程充滿太多未知的誘惑•數不清對你承諾過的一切•還有多少沒有實現過•不願放開手•不願讓你走•瘋狂的夢沒有了你•還有什麼用•不願放開手•不願讓你走•不願眼睜睜的看你•走出我的生活
(都不重要了，我還是會繼續走下去。)
lovely friends.
i am so lucky to have such excellent & talented friends like you guys/girls.
i will always remember what you did for me.
i love you all. *muahhhs*
i will always remember what you did for me.
i love you all. *muahhhs*
11 more days.
after 11 more days, it will mark a new chapter in my life.
my life project will begin.
i got to keep this vision.
i got to keep my passion.
i got to be patient.
i got to be brave.
i thought i am hopelessly stuck but last night was definitely a special night.
i am glad to have this unusual conversation with them.
they are going to do that and they inspired me an unusual alternative.
what they mentioned has matched my dream.
a simple life.
yes, a simple life out of this superficial world.
yet i will still keep what i am gifted with.
i am kind of excited and scared at the same time now.
of course it will be perfect if i have a partner with the same vision.
anyway, i don't care.
anyway, i don't belong to anywhere.
anyway, wherever i go, i am alone.
anyway, what can be worse?
this vision must be realised. ('u')
my life project will begin.
i got to keep this vision.
i got to keep my passion.
i got to be patient.
i got to be brave.
i thought i am hopelessly stuck but last night was definitely a special night.
i am glad to have this unusual conversation with them.
they are going to do that and they inspired me an unusual alternative.
what they mentioned has matched my dream.
a simple life.
yes, a simple life out of this superficial world.
yet i will still keep what i am gifted with.
i am kind of excited and scared at the same time now.
of course it will be perfect if i have a partner with the same vision.
anyway, i don't care.
anyway, i don't belong to anywhere.
anyway, wherever i go, i am alone.
anyway, what can be worse?
this vision must be realised. ('u')
30.1.09
生存武器。
她看見他了，他讓她聽了一首作給她的歌。
他還寫了詞呢。好感動。
然後。。。她睜開了眼，淚默默地流下來。
午夜時分。只聽見風扇咻咻地轉著。
現實中，他是一個回憶。
既然是回憶，就是過去。
現實中，他是一個歷史。
既然是歷史，就是死了。
他已經死了。
他已經死了。
他已經死了。
既使他還活著，
他是另一個人。
他不是以前的他。
活在過去是很痛苦的。
沒有什麼是永恆的。
唯有變才是不變的。
她會習慣的。
習慣是人最大的生存武器之一。
28.1.09
now you know better.
Can you remember when you were just six years old?
With a trusting heart accepting everything you're told
Anyone bigger must have been right even if they were wrong
You'd take what is given, you didn't know better
All your little mind could comprehend was goodness and truth
Even when the baddest things were being done to you
Ain't it a shame how you pay for your innocence?
And you'd take what was given, you didn't know better about
** Loving, cheating, people leaving
Dying, living, losing and forgiving
Growing, saying no and being who you are
What about the time when you became sixteen years old?
With an unsure heart believing some of what you're told
Wanting to be someone different, but there's pressure to be the same
So you'd take what was given, you didn't know better
All that you could think about was what you should or should not do
Every single insecurity was magnified for you
Then suddenly you began to feel all the contradictions
But you'd take what was given, you didn't know better about **
Now here you are a little older than before
You've really been through it and you might go through some more
But if there's one precious thing you've learned
Is that you can't just take what is given and now you know better about **
25.1.09
today.
today is another day.
xmas eve, new year eve,
chinese new year eve, Vday...
is/was just another day too.
xmas eve, new year eve,
chinese new year eve, Vday...
is/was just another day too.
8.1.09
i have forgotten [5]
i used to be very crazy about stripes.
i still love stripes.
*taken at Vanilla Industry
7.1.09
what's a girl to do?
We walked arm in arm
But I didn't feel his touch
A desire I'd first tried to hide,
That tingling inside was gone
And when he asked me:
'do you still love me?'
I had to look away
I didn't want to tell him
That my heart grows colder with each day
When you love so long
That the thrill is gone
And your kisses at night
Are replaced with tears
And when your dreams are on
A train to train wreck town
Then I ask you now, what's a girl to do?
He said he'd take me away
That we'd work things out
And I didn't want to tell him
But it was then I had to say
Over the times we've shared
It's all blackened out
And my bat lightning heart
Wants to fly away
31.12.08
29.12.08
がんばりましょう
i tripped.
but i must stand up again.
so that i can continue walking.
so that i can walk along with my loved one.
so that my hands are not on the ground
and able to hold my loved one’s hands.
i cried.
but i must smile again.
so that i don't stress people up.
so that people won't run away from me.
so that i can make people smile.
and that will make myself smile.
i'm tired.
but i must regain my energy.
so that i will be in good shape.
so that i can overcome challenges.
so that people won't take me as a burden.
and they feel at ease with me.
it's my own responsibility to make myself contented.
start looking for simple and small happiness.
so that i can share little happiness with people i love.
and they will share theirs with me.
i've been keeping a little girl in me.
but i can't act like a little girl.
i must always remember this.
てちゃん、がんばろうね！ ('u')
Somebody
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
she'll get my support
she will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
shell hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
she will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put her arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....
*Thanks for introducing this song to me.
27.12.08
countdown
everyone's counting down to new year.
i'm counting down every second to the day we will meet again.
love vs. like
according to Wikipedia:
LOVE
is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection.[1] The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my girlfriend"). This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love[2] to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love.[3] Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts.
LIKE
(As a verb)
Generally as a verb like refers to a fondness for something or someone.
Like can be used to express a feeling of attraction between two people, weaker than love and distinct from it in important ways.
according to dicionary.com:
LOVE
–verb (used with object)
1. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
2. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
3. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
4. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
5. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
6. to have sexual intercourse with.
LIKE
verb, liked, lik⋅ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to take pleasure in; find agreeable or congenial: We all liked the concert.
2. to regard with favor; have a kindly or friendly feeling for (a person, group, etc.); find attractive: His parents like me and I like them.
3. to wish or prefer: You can do exactly as you like while you are a guest here.
LOVE
is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection.[1] The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my girlfriend"). This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love[2] to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love.[3] Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts.
LIKE
(As a verb)
Generally as a verb like refers to a fondness for something or someone.
Like can be used to express a feeling of attraction between two people, weaker than love and distinct from it in important ways.
according to dicionary.com:
LOVE
–verb (used with object)
1. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
2. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
3. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
4. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
5. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
6. to have sexual intercourse with.
LIKE
verb, liked, lik⋅ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to take pleasure in; find agreeable or congenial: We all liked the concert.
2. to regard with favor; have a kindly or friendly feeling for (a person, group, etc.); find attractive: His parents like me and I like them.
3. to wish or prefer: You can do exactly as you like while you are a guest here.
14.12.08
happiness.
“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you”
~Nathaniel Hawthorne
2.12.08
last time.
sometimes i miss those crazy days when all of us enjoyed copying each other's dance steps, listening to free tempo, laughing at stupid jokes, sharing opinions, problems, hugs... but i don't wanna go back.
19.11.08
18.11.08
一個人。
一個人醒來，一個人工作，一個人吃飯，一個人看電視，一個人逛街，一個人說話，一個人抽煙，一個人休息，一個人週末，一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人一個人。原來有了愛情，大部分時間還是一個人。
13.11.08
牛油萬歲。
近年來的每一次海外旅遊，從機上開始，只要看見牛油出現，平時也沒特別想買來吃的我就會瘋狂湧起嗑牛油的衝動。機餐裡的一顆小圓面包能讓我狠狠地嗑上四塊牛油。其中兩塊是同伴不要的，一塊是不知廉恥硬跟空姐從回收的餐盤裡要來的未開封過的。溶在口裡的清純幸福的滋味真的讓我high死了。旅途中所遇上的牛油都有吃錯沒放過！可是旅行結束後，一切又恢復正常。幸好是這樣。
10.11.08
和美。
Priss' post in her blog about how she met her good friend reminds me of a story which happened after I met Kazumi, who is a happy OL in Singapore now. I met her thru a friend. One fine day after 1-2 years we met, I found out one precious piece from my magazine cutout collection that made me fell from my bed (I was clearing the old cutouts on my bed). Kazumi is in it!!! She was modeling in Tokyo that time. I cut that out because I like the hairstyle and wanted to use that as a reference to show my hair dresser long time back. What can I say other than FATE? 超不思議！
少女の宝物 その一。
全然高くないけど、中に思い出がいっぱい隠れた宝物です。
They are all inexpensive, yet my treasures with sweet memories(some given by friends). Although I am not a young girl anymore. ('u')
I tried to clean and pack my stuff in the house yesterday and realised that I have a lot of things actually. Accessories, clothes, shoes, bags, books, beautiful cutouts, decorative items... Wow how could a human being own so much things in life! I should simplify my life. I will register those sweet ones to remind myself that I am lucky to own so much beautiful things and I should not just anyhow buy new stuff again. In fact, I have enough clothes, shoes and bags to wear for the rest of my life...only if I don't keep myself updated with fashion trend and only if I am not greedy. ('u')
They are all inexpensive, yet my treasures with sweet memories(some given by friends). Although I am not a young girl anymore. ('u')
I tried to clean and pack my stuff in the house yesterday and realised that I have a lot of things actually. Accessories, clothes, shoes, bags, books, beautiful cutouts, decorative items... Wow how could a human being own so much things in life! I should simplify my life. I will register those sweet ones to remind myself that I am lucky to own so much beautiful things and I should not just anyhow buy new stuff again. In fact, I have enough clothes, shoes and bags to wear for the rest of my life...only if I don't keep myself updated with fashion trend and only if I am not greedy. ('u')
31.10.08
happy halloween
My plan for tonight was to work out the final piece of a long delayed pro bono job. Yet I just received a big halloween 'surprise' - my cinema display screen just went dead. I am not sure if it's just the monitor problem or something wrong with the CPU, I sincerely sincerely sincerely hope that those heavy & complicated work-in-progress files inside my harddisk are not affected from this... they cost my bloody life and many sleepless nights... Now I must stay calm... and wait for technical support tomorrow.
Life is so unpredictable... your important data in computer, bank saving that you worked your whole life for, your loved ones could be gone without any notice. Anything could happen.
Anyway, ya, happy halloween.
22.10.08
i miss my long long hair
I love this picture. Thanks for taking this for me. And I think I miss my long hair. ('u')
a surreal ride
Amazing sea view from train was super surreal to me! It kind of reminded me one of the scene in Spirited Away which the train was traveling across sea. By the way, I guess the obasan in white hat was having her good old romantic memory flashing back in her mind. On the way to meet her first lover?
21.10.08
i have forgotten [4]
I LOVE Gustav Klimt's art! It's really inspiring to me.
Haiz...I really feel like stop working on commercial job for a while and improve on my personal project. Sophie Black has been waiting for me for a long time.
7.10.08
18.9.08
16.9.08
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
